We develop anxiety in response to all kinds of fears. Fear is not usually an instinctual response to a specific thing or event; instead, it is a conditioned response to that thing or event. We are taught our emotional reactions by our parents, teachers, or the bully down the street. We may grow up developing all kind of fears. We fear failure, rejection, loneliness, embarrassment, being thought of as ignorant, and even success.
Fears can make us respond to situations with repetitive patterns that really don't serve us. For example, if we fear rejection, we will do things that we think will make others like us. This can lead to doing too much and being more helpful than we really want to be. We may have no idea that this is what is happening because so much of our behavior is unconsciously motivated. Sometimes we can't seem to stop the behavior even if we do become aware of the motivation because it's a habit that started so early on in childhood, and we perceive it as a way of securing safety. Safety can be a powerful motivator.
Because helping others may be the only way we know of to please others, it becomes a compulsion. We may find ourselves volunteering for things without considering whether we really want to do them and resent agreeing later. I can remember trying to stop doing things I didn't want to do, but I would still see myself offering just because it sounded like a good idea at the time. I felt stupid because offers would come out of my mouth, and I would then feel obligated to follow through. I'd ask myself, "why did I do that?" and feel so angry with myself, but I couldn't stop. This is the power of unconscious conditioning.
Everyone has experienced a time in their lives when they didn't feel accepted. As children our self-worth and self-love is based on whether we feel loved by the people important to us. If we don't feel loved, we then feel we're not loveable. People deal with this differently: some people shy away from others to protect themselves while some become outgoing and try to win others over. Generally, nurses are among the latter group. The unfortunate thing is that people believe that they weren't accepted because they did something wrong or something is wrong with them. The reality is that people will respond to us based on their frames of reference, and so how they respond has very little to do with us.
If a parent, important teacher, or even a sibling or classmate tells us in words or actions that we are not okay, we develop a fear of repeating that feeling of rejection later in life. Our fear of rejection can result in a compulsive drive to please everyone to calm those bad feelings deep within created by the early experiences. When we come to the realization that what other people think isn't necessarily accurate, we can free ourselves from the overwhelming need to make everyone happy. If we decide we have bad behavior, it is correctable with the mere decision to change it and the determination to do something different.
We often take it personally when someone does something that hurts us. The reality is that when someone is hurtful, it's not about us. We may choose to stay away from that person or ask for different behavior. We get to choose the people with whom we associate and our responses to them. It's useful to look inside ourselves to understand our reactions. Our fearful responses are usually the result of past hurts. When you choose to face the underlying original source of pain, you have an opportunity to heal.
If you find yourself becoming resentful because of your difficult childhood, begin to appreciate all the strength you've gained from the situation you grew up with. If you have people in your life that are very difficult for you to feel loving toward, find a way to see them as offering you an opportunity for growth. Use all the situations in your life as a way to identify what kind of energy you have difficulty being around without losing your own peaceful feeling.
Once you become unemotional and act from your calm, clear center, the action you take can create the best results. If someone is trying to intimidate, threaten, or control you, imagine them as one inch tall. If people are angry or aggressive, see them as small children throwing tantrums because they are coming from their little selves and not their Higher Selves. Fighting with them brings you down to their level. Staying calm and centered will allow you to become more effective in any situation. Before and after you enter any new place, become aware of your own energy so you can see whether you are being affected by the energy of that place.
As nurses we are sensitive to the feelings and needs of others. This is a gift unless it is done for the purpose of being accepted by others rather than being a calling to do this very honorable work. Both can coexist. Being aware of your own energy will give you a frame of reference that allows you to get in touch with your motivation. It takes work to understand what is happening within you and then convert it to something that is more successful, so be patient with yourself.
About the Author
Doris Young helps healthcare organizations develop their nurses and create environments that inspire loyalty. For more information see our website at www.DorisYoungAssociates.com or contact Doris Young at 800 673-1755 or Doris@DorisYoungAssociates.com.