Overcoming the People Pleasing Game

In her book Approval Addiction, Joyce Meyer describes the people-pleaser. It feels so fantastic to comfort and please people that are in need. Unfortunately, nurses are prime candidates to become compulsive people-pleasers. As such, we unconsciously crave the rewards of fulfilling the needs of others. It feels so good to bring pleasure to others that this becomes the focus of life. People-pleasers will set aside their own legitimate needs, and denying them can lead to explosive consequences. People-pleasers were often raised in families where their needs and feelings were not valued, respected, or considered important. As children, people-pleasers were expected to take care of other people's needs. Often the only thing people-pleasers are recognized for is helping others. Being affirmed feels so good, people pleasing continues. All nurses must stay in touch with their driving force and wishes to counter compulsive people pleasing.

Ask yourself what you want in return for what you give. If the answer to this question sounds very altruistic, look further. Some of you may say you just want other people to be happy. What you could be saying is that you want people to be happy with you because that is the only way you feel happy with yourself. This is the drive of the people-pleaser. It is very subtle, so don't be fooled. Be totally sincere in your effort to answer this because you need to know what's in it for you.

I can remember the first time someone asked me what I wanted. It was like someone had just turned on a light bulb because for the first time I realized that I had no idea what I wanted. It never even occurred to me to have wants. I was so aware of everyone else and completely unaware of myself. Up until that point I thought I was so smart. I had the ability to delight others, and it never occurred to me that I didn't know, nor was I capable of receiving, what I wanted. Even knowing this, though, it still took me years to unwind from that mindset. We all need affection, support, and camaraderie. We need someone to open our heart to. We need acknowledgment, appreciation, and pleasure. Denying these needs leads to volatile results and exhaustion.



It is a magnificent gift you bring to the world as a nurse, and you can only keep giving if your cup is full. To keep your cup full, you need to revitalize and enjoy yourself. Receiving while you give is a natural process, and it requires development. You don't have to be demanding toward someone else to be giving to yourself. What you need is time and space for yourself—all it takes is honoring yourself enough to take it. When you feel tired from a long day, it may not take much to rebalance. Stop by a park or the water on the way home. Notice what you are saying to yourself. This is the music you are dancing to. Are you listing all the things you have to do, or are you recognizing the blessings in your life? If everything that comes to mind is a task, write the list on paper. Put a plus sign next to things that energize you and a minus sign next to the things that drain you.

Make a column next to this list and put down what you can do to balance the minuses. For every item on your list that drains you, put down something that energizes you. Stay with this process until you feel a peacefulness come over you. A feeling of peace comes over us when all is well inside and out. It feels great when we are honestly saying yes when we want to do something and saying no when we don't. Take time to find a peaceful feeling about what you are about to do. If you don't feel at peace with something, say it. Being open with your desires, feelings, and thoughts will lead you to the truth of what you want. A healthy relationship requires candor even if other people don't want to hear the truth because it doesn't get them what they ask for.

Personal honesty is the first step toward acceptance. Everything you build in your life is according to your own specifications. If you are not able to give people what they want, and they become unhappy, it is not your responsibility. Beware of developing a false sense of accountability. You have enough liability for yourself without taking on blame for others. People-pleasers will push beyond good sense if they think it means everyone will be happy with them. Most people use us to their advantage if we let them. It is part of the human disposition to do so. Don't rely on others to treat you justly and sincerely. If someone asks for something, you get to decide whether you want to do it or not. Just because it is hard for you to say no doesn't mean that they shouldn't ask. What makes being a people-pleaser so excruciating is not focusing on yourself correctly. If you feel egocentric or guilt-ridden for taking time for yourself and frequently go rushing to get things done for others, you are a people-pleaser. Because you accomplish so much and are so easy to get along with, you are often the first to be asked to do things. Having difficulty saying no makes you vulnerable to being taken advantage of. Thinking you should do whatever anyone asks of you puts you in peril. Shifting a no to a yes if someone gets angry or is disgruntled sets you up for future trouble.

Begin making the shift by seeing it as a great opportunity to take care of yourself when someone asks for something. Learn to say, "Thank you for thinking of me, but my plate is full right now." Or "I feel honored that you asked, but I just can't fit this in right now." If it's your family: "I can't fit that into my schedule today. Is there another way you can accomplish that?"

About the Author

Doris Young helps healthcare organizations develop their nurses and create environments that inspire loyalty. For more information, see our website at www.DorisYoungAssociates.com or contact Doris Young at 800 673-1755 or Doris@DorisYoungAssociates.com.